Sticking to my guns!

Well I have not taken my temperature or anything since we made the decision a few days ago to just stop stressing. I did however get my period in full force Friday at work, on day 27 of my cycle. I don't think I have a PCOS cycle any longer. I have heard that clomid makes your period longer but I guess that is not my case with the daily exercising and eating paleo with nothing processed. So was my timing completely off all month? I saw from my OPK tests that I had the surge on the 13th so was my luteal phase only 13 days? I don't know... but that is no longer my concern.

I weighed in at 191 today so I had lost 1 lb last week but that makes total sense with the amount of stress I was dealing with. I'm getting a new plan from Emily over the weekend and its going to emphasize more running and toning because I'm going to do another 5k in early June where I plan on being 181 by that time. Thats more than a month away so I know I can lose another 10 lbs.

Today I'm making another chicken stock from the leftover roaster chicken carcass and we are going to have the faux olive garden soup again tonight. I'm also going to the lake with some girlfriends today to get some sun and will stop by the store and pick up some fresh fruit to eat. I went out with the same friends last night and had 3 glasses of wine with glasses of water mixed in between so I'm not really feeling any of the side effects like from last weekend. Now I promise not to drink again for a few weeks so I can meet my weight loss goals.

This week will be my test of getting my life back together after TTC with clomid. I'm not saying I will never use it again, but just everything put together made it too hard. I hope to be better behaved at work, more patient with the students, and able to pay more attention at rehearsals for the musical this week. Cap started his night shifts last night so he's sleeping now and probably won't be awake til I get home from the lake, but we've promised to be better to each other and make more dates this month. I really missed him and yesterday we spent the day together out shopping and it was really sweet how he held my hand and kept kissing me. This is what we need.

So anyway, here is the chart from last month. You can see where fertilityfriend.com said I ovulated but where my test was positive for the LH surge and decide for yourself what's going on.

And this is me at work dressed as Katniss from The Hunger Games for our Heroes Vs Villains event for the kids.

We've come to a decision

So I've been manic at work, I'm in a play that has less than three weeks to get legs, and I'm doing all of this checking my temperature daily, battling the side effects of clomid, and ruining my marriage. I'm forcing my husband to have sex with me and other than that, we do not talk. I came home last night in tears. Not for any particular reason, just out of sure exhaustion. It all came to a head when the sink was full of gross dishes, that have been piled up for two days, and Cap was sitting on the couch watching TV and playing online. I lost it. I just screamed, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! Then I went to bed and tried to listen to a meditation but all the thoughts just came crashing around. I laid there for an hour until Cap came in to shower and then sleep. 

He came and laid down with me and asked if I was asleep and I said no and that I'd been thinking we should just stop with this trying for a baby for good. I hate this feeling at the end of every month where I'm thinking I'm no good and useless and not a woman. I want to get on birth control pills and just know that I'm not pregnant each month. He kept fighting me, saying I'd still be sad because he knows I'm sad because we don't have a baby yet and that being a pill wouldn't help me at all. He told me to think about being 60 and looking back and hating myself for being on the pill when we still had a chance. All the kind things he was saying just made me cry harder. And then I told him how distant I felt from him, the little time we do get to spend together right now, we practically ignore each other and I hate that. Then he said he knew he'd been distracted lately and it was all about whether or not to sell our house or rent it and all the repairs we have to make and we have less than three months to do it all. I didn't know this is why he'd been distant so I felt better that he'd opened up. We talked about where we wanted to be in a year and what to do with the house and then we got back on the baby subject. 

I told him that we needed to spend this next month just being there for each other and doing things to make the others life easier because we are both so stressed out. He's gonna do more around the house when he's home and we're gonna try to date a little this month and try to get the romance back. I told him I'd calm down and make a list of all the home things to do and we'd plan out which project we're gonna do each week until we're gone to make it easier on both of us. We also decided that there won't be any clomid next month. We've got too much to deal with and me being crazy isn't going to help anyone. I'll finally be calm and myself again at work, I'll be able to concentrate at rehearsal and maybe sleep at night. I've never had bags under my eyes but I do right now. When we get to the next duty station, we are going to look at IUI or IVF and until then we're gonna save what we can. I'm not gonna go on the pill or anything, but I'm also gonna stop charting and forcing sex. I'll put up my chart at the end of this cycle and keep track the rest of this weekend just so I've got a complete look at this month on clomid, but after that I'm done for a while. 

So what I'll continue to do with this blog is to keep going with eating paleo and exercising. I think I only lost a half pound this week and its all because of obvious reasons. It doesn't matter what you put in your body if you're not sleeping and not concentrating at your workouts. I meet with Emily today and will tell her that she's got me until we go and to get a new plan together to kick my ass. I want to be 170 when we leave here, no longer Cap's fat wife, just a pleasantly plump Army wife at a new duty station. I've got 21 lbs and 3 months to do it, and I think 7 lbs in a month is do able. I'm sticking to making all this easier to pick up with when I come back to it in August, but for now, I just can't think about babies. 

On a side note, our baby birds have all flown away. I saw two of them leave the next yesterday morning and when I got home to make dinner, the other two were gone. Another circle of life is complete. I want to scrape off all the bird poo from the nest and then maybe shellack it and preserve it. I'll add pictures to this post when I get home from work this afternoon, just can't get to it now. I'll also add the weigh in and measurement info.

We'll see how it goes

If you also keep track of your BBT then you'll know that any drop in temperature is not a good sign. I'd been up to 97.9 for a few days in a row and the last two was up to 98.1. This morning, I was back down to 97.5. Uh oh. It doesn't really make or break the pregnancy chances, but its still not what I was hoping for. I'm also not feeling any symptoms and have started to break out on my chin. I'm going to do a HPT tomorrow and see what it says, but I completely expect my period on Monday. I don't know, was this month a waste? 

I know I'll have lost about 8.5 lbs this month, probably be around 10 by the 1st of May. I've kept up the paleo diet all month and have tried to workout at least 40 minutes every day. I'm doing the best for my body, but every time you see AF you have lost more time. I was talking to my cousin last night and saying how if I don't get pregnant this month or next, there is a chance Cap and I will be moving again and I'll be having to find a doctor in my last month if I get pregnant in June. I also lose the chance of a dragon baby (Chinese calendar). That's just a silly little thing, but my mother in law is one and she's just amazing and I'd love to have double dragons in the family. So anyway, I'm feeling a little depressed. I've had some busy days at work and I don't think the stress is helping anything. 

I've got a busy weekend starting with Cap starting a night shift for a week. So while I'm at work he'll come home and sleep and then we'll have dinner together and then he'll be gone for the night. If I'm not pregnant, I may be partying a little next week. I haven't gone out and danced in a while and now I won't feel guilty if Cap doesn't want to go out during the week. Maybe if I keep that in the forefront of my mind, I'll chill out a little bit. Anyway, I'll probably be starting round three of clomid will start next weekend. BLEGH.

how can I not??

Infertility Awareness Week

I had no idea that it was this week! Be aware!