Feeling like less than a woman

To make a story as short as possible, Cap and I got in to a pretty big fight over something little that turned in to something big and ended with me telling him he could go and be with any other woman and already have a child and I feel like crap because of it. I keep putting a lot of blame on myself and I often feel that I'm giving things up or changing my lifestyle as a means to punish myself for having PCOS instead of a way to make my life and health better. Its like giving up all of this is a sort of penance and I should get what I want because I've made myself suffer. I know in my head I'm doing things that are just good for me because they are good for anyone and that this is the way I should live my life, but I have the tendency to want to mess things up if I hit a speed bump. 

I haven't had any problems with this month's cycle besides this fight, in fact I think I'm gonna be at another 3 lbs down this week and I haven't felt like I've worked extra hard or been deprived of any food, its just working cause my body wants to eat this good food and it can process it all with no problem. In fact its been a great week eating wise and losing weight wise and diet wise. I guess because there's no more actively taking a pill, or acting "trying" right now and we're just at the waiting time for two weeks that I'm feeling this way. There's only the what if at this point. My temperature is even higher and this was the day of the cycle last month that it dipped to tell me that I hadn't ovulated so I know I did, so now its just the negative or positive question to be answered.

I had music rehearsal tonight and a girl I was in a show with last year came who's pregnant. Now this is a miracle baby, she was told she could never get pregnant because she has fibromyalgia. She is now 15 weeks a long and waiting to find out the baby's sex. So I rubbed her belly for luck and did a "baby dust" dance just to be sure. If it can happen to her, it can happen to me because at least I have gotten pregnant before and lots of PCOS women do end up getting pregnant. 

So anyway, dinner tonight was a repeat of that fantastic no parm eggplant parmesan and it was oh so tasty again! I cannot wait to eat it again tomorrow! The garden is looking exceptionally beautiful too. 

We also have baby birds in a nest in our front door wreath and they are getting their feathers now. There are five baby birds who I call my fertility gods. They give me springtime hope! Sorry for being so EMO today, but thats what this is for right? Its all about ME and my FEELINGS. Hehehe.