So I've been manic at work, I'm in a play that has less than three weeks to get legs, and I'm doing all of this checking my temperature daily, battling the side effects of clomid, and ruining my marriage. I'm forcing my husband to have sex with me and other than that, we do not talk. I came home last night in tears. Not for any particular reason, just out of sure exhaustion. It all came to a head when the sink was full of gross dishes, that have been piled up for two days, and Cap was sitting on the couch watching TV and playing online. I lost it. I just screamed, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! Then I went to bed and tried to listen to a meditation but all the thoughts just came crashing around. I laid there for an hour until Cap came in to shower and then sleep.
He came and laid down with me and asked if I was asleep and I said no and that I'd been thinking we should just stop with this trying for a baby for good. I hate this feeling at the end of every month where I'm thinking I'm no good and useless and not a woman. I want to get on birth control pills and just know that I'm not pregnant each month. He kept fighting me, saying I'd still be sad because he knows I'm sad because we don't have a baby yet and that being a pill wouldn't help me at all. He told me to think about being 60 and looking back and hating myself for being on the pill when we still had a chance. All the kind things he was saying just made me cry harder. And then I told him how distant I felt from him, the little time we do get to spend together right now, we practically ignore each other and I hate that. Then he said he knew he'd been distracted lately and it was all about whether or not to sell our house or rent it and all the repairs we have to make and we have less than three months to do it all. I didn't know this is why he'd been distant so I felt better that he'd opened up. We talked about where we wanted to be in a year and what to do with the house and then we got back on the baby subject.
I told him that we needed to spend this next month just being there for each other and doing things to make the others life easier because we are both so stressed out. He's gonna do more around the house when he's home and we're gonna try to date a little this month and try to get the romance back. I told him I'd calm down and make a list of all the home things to do and we'd plan out which project we're gonna do each week until we're gone to make it easier on both of us. We also decided that there won't be any clomid next month. We've got too much to deal with and me being crazy isn't going to help anyone. I'll finally be calm and myself again at work, I'll be able to concentrate at rehearsal and maybe sleep at night. I've never had bags under my eyes but I do right now. When we get to the next duty station, we are going to look at IUI or IVF and until then we're gonna save what we can. I'm not gonna go on the pill or anything, but I'm also gonna stop charting and forcing sex. I'll put up my chart at the end of this cycle and keep track the rest of this weekend just so I've got a complete look at this month on clomid, but after that I'm done for a while.
So what I'll continue to do with this blog is to keep going with eating paleo and exercising. I think I only lost a half pound this week and its all because of obvious reasons. It doesn't matter what you put in your body if you're not sleeping and not concentrating at your workouts. I meet with Emily today and will tell her that she's got me until we go and to get a new plan together to kick my ass. I want to be 170 when we leave here, no longer Cap's fat wife, just a pleasantly plump Army wife at a new duty station. I've got 21 lbs and 3 months to do it, and I think 7 lbs in a month is do able. I'm sticking to making all this easier to pick up with when I come back to it in August, but for now, I just can't think about babies.
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